Strange Bedfellows
by kyugan
Summary: Soul Society is full of bizarre individuals, each with their own quirky points. Some however, can be a lot more quirky than normal under the right conditions.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, this was done as a favor for a close friend, don;t bite my head off.

There're probably an ass-load of these things out there, but here;s my take on things.

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File 1: Branding and Karma.

Kuchiki Byakuya was many things, poised regal, elegant to a fault, a living example that most shinnigami are to set stock by and not so secret heartthrob of several women, and men, of the soul society. His younger sister, despite her noble upbringing, was not so inclined if you caught her alone, no doubt remnants from her Rukongai origins, something she shared in common with Byakuya's 2nd seat, Abarai Renji.

Speaking of his lieutenant, the regal captain was currently looking for him, as the redhead had yet to submit his report for this years budget. Asking around had revealed he'd gone to visit a tattoo parlor again, no doubt adding to those ridiculous markings he had all over himself.

'Who on earth tattoos their eyebrows?' the normally reserved captain wondered with honest disdain. It wasn't that he despised Renji, the man was an able lieutenant and knew his place, and he just couldn't understand why the man was so desperate to stand out. He'd admit the fact Renji had achieved Bankai was impressive, if not to the man's face, but the bulky thing was too unwieldy at the moment to pose no more than a hindrance to someone of his caliber, as he'd explained at the captains meeting when the subject of promotion had been brought up.

But valuable subordinate or not, there was something about Abarai that annoyed the 6th division captain to no end, and that was the fact that he was always dashing off without finishing his work, meaning Byakuya had to pick up after him.

Well not this time, Byakuya had an appointment with another clan head later and was damned if he was letting Abarai keep him from it.

--

Upon contemplation, whilst backtracking out of yet another dead-end alleyway, Byakuya seriously regretted his decision to ask Zaraki's 5th seat for directions. He'd actually begun to suspect the Okama had something against him for a few minutes after the third dead end, but shrugged such ludicrous thoughts aside. He'd never so much as spoken to the man before, let alone crossed him.

The one good thing that came form the slight diversion towards the 11th division was that Zaraki had been mysteriously absent from the 11th division barracks, which meant he'd gotten out of the madhouse without issue…save for a hastily hurled bag of candy he'd brought to distract the pink haired 11th division lieutenant.

Adorable and young though she may be, Byakuya was NOT letting Zaraki's ward anywhere near his priceless scarf again, it had cost a small fortune to get it repaired the last time she'd gotten her grubby meat hooks on it.

Noting that he was running late, the head of the Kuchiki clan finally deigned to ask a passing 4th division member, the ever clumsy Yamada Hanataro as it turned out, for directions. The plain looking 7th seat was more than willing to guide the vexed captain towards his destination, provided Byakuya stopped glaring at him so coldly first.

Unfortunately, the healer's request came far too late, and he passed out in a puddle of his own drool from the weight of Byakuya's reiatsu, which he'd been subconsciously emitting in his ire.

Stepping tenderly past the drool with a frown of disdain, Byakuya made a mental note to speak to Unohana-Taichou about disciplining her troops. What good were they if they couldn't even give directions when ordered?

Leaving the boy to the tender mercies of a passing squad from 11th division, Byakuya continued on his way, reigning in his reiatsu to prevent any more unwanted fainting spells.

--

Byakuya was a patient man but after being led on a wild goose chase for over an hour even he was wearing thin. It was already coming close to the deadline he'd set to track his wayward lieutenant and if there was one thing he looked down upon it was a lack of punctuality, especially in himself.

He made a mental note to have Zaraki's 5th seat flogged, or at the very least set about cleaning the sewers of Seireitei along with that bumbling eyesore Hanataro. They had cost him time he didn't willfully spend and would pay the price for it, even if the latter had been unintentional.

He nodded as he passed Jidanbou, the giant saluting respectfully as he entered Rukongai, finally giving the captain the directions to find Renji. The giant was also a former resident of Rukongai and knew the streets well, with his simple directions it wasn't long before Byakuya finally found himself standing in front of a shop on the edge of Rukongai, where Abarai apparently frequented when he felt the need to add to his tribal markings.

In Byakuya's vaunted opinion, the store was nothing spectacular, but then again nothing in Rukongai could compare to the Seireitei…except for a restaurant his lieutenant had claimed served the spiciest foods in all soul society. Byakuya had scoffed at first, but had since become a regular patron every other day, slipping out in disguise after a tedious day of captain's duties or a particularly strenuous clan function that had weighted on his nerves. Nothing calmed you down like a bowl of curry that could set your breath alight, in Byakuya's opinion. Plus, it was a guilty pleasure to watch Renji's face light up like a baboon's ass whenever he ordered the man to sample some of the…spicier wares.

As it were, the only thing Byakuya intended to administer to his lieutenant was a healthy prod up the backside as he dragged him back to Seireitei, though he made a note to stop by the restaurant after the function that afternoon to settle his nerves.

Gripping the handle of the door he slammed it open, glaring impassively into the shop with a look that had actually caused a Hollow to faint from terror. It promptly changed to a look of complete bafflement as he was faced with his lieutenant's bare backside, the tattoo artist and Renji staring at him in alarm as he stood in the doorway "What-?" Byakuya began, only to notice that the artist's pen was hovering over Renji's ass cheek, eyes widening as he red the words 'Property of Kuchiki-' written there.

"Um…Taichou…" Renji stammered, noting the look in his captain's eye with no small amount of fear "This isn't what you think…"

Byakuya looked his lieutenant in the eye, his face settling in a look of calm that belied the raw anger in his eyes as his reiatsu began to build up like a geyser..

"…Chiré…"

--

It was later that day at the Kuchiki mansion, scant minutes before the function that was to be held for yet another family trying to marry off their daughter to the clan head or one of their sons to his sister.

The sister in question, Kuchiki Rukia, blinked as her brother brushed past her, knowing from the feeling of his reiatsu that, despite his calm features, now probably wasn't the best time to ask if she could visit Renji after the function. If anything, she doubted her Nii-sama was in a mood to tolerate this attempt with his usual decorum.

Rukia blinked as a hell butterfly hovered trough the window, recognizing it as Renji's from the lightning-bolt patterns decorating it's wings as it deposited a message in her hands, returning to the barracks were it belonged. "Huh? He cancelled out date?" she wondered, looking at the letter in confusion and no small amount of annoyance "He said he had something to show me too" she muttered with a growl "that idiot."

She blinked, looking up as one of the servants asked for her to follow them, a look of mild terror on his face. Apparently Byakuya wasn't in a very patient mood after all, from the sounds of things this attempt may very well be the last for a long time to come.

Sighing in exasperation, Rukia shook her head and walking off to sit alongside her brother at the function, hoping that one-day Renji's bad habit of skipping out on things would come back and bite him in the ass.

--

"Yumichika-san…" Hanataro called out, waving at the reclining 5th seat of the 11th division urgently "Um, I don't think-!"

"It shows." Yumichika cut in, filing his nails as he shot the nervous young man a look of derision "Now get back to work you little urchin, or I'll tell Unohana-Taichou you were slacking off."

"But Yumichika-san!" Hanataro insisted, waving his arms urgently in a wide circle "You don't understand! You can't sit there!"

"I can and I shall!" Yumichika countered waspishly, repositioning himself for emphasis as he glared at the impudent 4th division 7th seat "If you think I'm lifting a finger to help you clean this filthy place you've got another thing-eh?"

Hanataro sighed and shook his head, waiting for Yumichika's screams to die down as a torrent of garbage, sewage and, well, waste, dropped down on top of the 5th seat like divine karma, before turning his back on the pile and getting back to work. Either way it wasn't his problem, the man had ignored the warning signs about the chute and Hanataro still had quite a lot of work to do.

Besides, there were another three loads on the way tonight, better to wait till then before even attempting to dig the transvestite out…if he remembered to that is.

--

Any good? If so, please let me know.

Pal? You got your story, call off the hitman.

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	2. Chapter 2

An update, despite lack of response, simply because you can;t keep a good man down.

...Especially the one in this tale!

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Playing Doctor.

Kotetsu Isane, 2nd seat and lieutenant of the 4th division sighed as she oversaw the treatment of her fellow lieutenant Abarai Renji, who had recently been tossed on the doorstep of the 4th division by his rather vexed looking captain. She didn't know what had transpired but apparently Kuchiki-Taichou had taken it out of Renji's hide in spades. He'd live, but his tattoos would have to be replaced, it seemed the captain had practically flayed him alive.

And then there's the scars on his backside.' The tall lieutenant noted with a flush. It wasn't that she hadn't seen one before, in her field of work you lost whatever prudish issues you had rather quickly, but she'd always found Renji's cheeks to be his best feature.

Though apparently Kuchiki-Taichou didn't share her opinion, as it appeared he'd used several Kido spells to burn what seemed to be a new tattoo right off his, likely traumatized, lieutenants rear, cutting it a bit close if you followed her drift. Needless to say, Renji was going to have problems sitting down for a long time to come, nevermind using the bathroom.

Sighing as she bandaged the last of his wounds, the elder Kotetsu sibling decided to call it a night, only to blink as something hopped onto her shoulder, chirping gleefully in her ear. "Kumo-chan!" Kusajishi Yachiru chirped, landing on the taller lieutenant's shoulder without any difficulty "I'm bored, wanna play?"

"I'm sorry, Kusajishi-fukutaicho." Isane offered, smiling in relief at the fact the 11th division captain didn't appear to be nearby, as he and his lieutenant usually came as a set "I still have work to do, maybe later."

"Aw!" Yachiru moped, looking depressed as she waved her arms "but Ken-chan and backwards-braid are still playing doctor!"

--

Isane chuckled and patted the girl on the head, wondering how a monster like Zaraki Kenpachi could have such an innocent daughter. The 11th division captain had turned up earlier that day with her, apparently here for a check-up as requested from Unohana-Taichou. Normally this would have drawn attention, as Zaraki was of firm mind that he didn't NEED medical attention; Even if his guts were hanging out in big steaming ropes the monster of a captain had to be bodily restrained by high level bakudo before people could operate, that or Unohana-Taichou would fetch him herself.

In fact, for all anyone knew, Unohana-taicho was the the only member of the fourth division Zaraki tolerated operating on him, though considering how skilled the 4th captain was, that shouldn;t have been a surprise.

What WAS interesting however, was that no matter how badly the 11th division acted around herself and the rest of the 4th division, the second Unohana-Taichou appeared they all started acting like children dragged before their mother. It was a matter of great interest of how she could cow the most infamous fighting unit of the 13-court guard divisions, and many suspected that she had some sort of influence over the monstrous 11th division captain, as not even HE crossed her.

But that wasn't possible right? The only one that had any control over Zaraki was the Sou-Taichou, as he seemed to be the only one the monster of a captain seemed to obey without question…all right, without TOO many questions.

In her personal opinion, the captain of the 11th division was a loose siege weapon, a rabid beast that by all rights should be kept on a leash, preferably a very short one. Oh he was a fine captain, in regards to killing hollows (not to mention bounts, the twelth division barracks/Captain/Both, or anything that moved in general) but the fact he let his men run amuck spoke for itself.

'Still,' Isane allotted, watching Kusajishi-fukutaicho as she started drawing on some paper Isane had provided for her amusement 'he makes a good father at the very least.'

--

"Kumo-chan…" Yachiru called out suddenly, catching the grey haired woman by surprise "What's a mommy?"

Isane blinked, honestly surprised at the question as she looked at her smaller colleague "Well…a mommy is…a mommy." She offered lamely slapping herself the moment she said it "She names you, cleans you, feeds you and gave birth to you." She smiled at the girl "don't you remember your mommy, Kusajishi-fukutaicho?"

"All I remember is Ken-chan cutting down the bad people." She replied with a warm smile, not noticing the look of pity on Isane's face "Ken-chan gave me a name, we took baths together, we ate together…does that make him my mommy?"

Isane actually choked at the mental image of Zaraki Taichou in a mothers apron, face scrunched up as he held a diaper away from him with his sword. "No-no! Kusajishi-fukutaicho!" she choked, trying not to giggle "He's what you'd a call your 'daddy'!" she raised a finger for emphasis "I mean, he didn't give birth to you did he?"

"What's giving birth?" Yachiru asked with a smile, looking up at the horrified woman with that diabolically innocent expression capable only by children "Is that tasty?"

"No!" Isane gasped, waving her hands desperately as she tried to think of something to say that wouldn;t make the situation any worse "It's…what happens when a baby is born!"

"Oh!" Yachiru noted, eyes wide and shining as she looked up at the gasping woman in awe "Have you given birth Kumo-chan?"

"EH?!" Isane gaped, looking like she'd topple over any second as she flushed scarlet "N-No! I haven't, I just know because I'm a medical specialist."

"Oh!" Yachiru noted in awe, nodding up and down in understanding "Then, do you know where baby's come from?" she grinned up at the stuttering woman "I keep asking Ken-chan but he says he doesn't know but if someone says it's a stork I'm to kill 'em, 'cause they're obviously not using their brains for anything.'

'Why am I not surprised?!' Isane glowered, damning the 11th division captain for getting her into this mess, deciding she could sugar coat things as best as possible.

"Well, Kusajishi-fukutaicho," she began "When a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they give each other a…special hug." She hesitated, flushing at the absurdity of what she was saying. "And if they're lucky, in 9 months a baby is born."

"A special hug?" Yachiru repeated, looking up at the woman in confusion, a finger on her lips "So if I hugged you, would you get a baby?"

"No!" Isane chuckled, patting the adorably naive girl on her head "Girls can't give each other babies, the hug only works with a mommy and daddy."

"Aw…" Yachiru muttered, before smiling cheerfully "Then, if Ken-chan gave Kumo-chan a special hug, would you get a baby?"

--

Isane turned a bizarre combination of scarlet and pale as she tried to comprehend what her diminutive colleague was implying. True there were a number of women wondering if the notorious Zaraki Kenpachi was as mighty downstairs as he was in all things except complicated thinking, but she'd never dared let her mind wander that way. For one, she highly doubted she'd survive long enough to get close, the man's reiatsu was that strong only captains could stand being in his presence for long.

"Possibly…" she stammered at length, waving her hand dismissively at the thought "But I doubt Zaraki-Taichou would be interested in me like that."

'And I doubt I'd survive if he WAS!' she noted with a sense of morbid terror. Zaraki Kenpachi didn't strike her as the type for gentility. If anything she was pretty sure he was as much an animal IN bed as he was outside it.

"How special does the hug have to be?" Yachiru asked innocently, clearly not done tormenting her older colleague just yet "Do you have to be close?"

"VERY close." Isane replied, wishing to get this conversation over and done with as she began filing away the documents, desperate for anything to take her mind off things.

"Do you have to be naked?" Yachiru asked, hopping onto Isane's shoulder with the ease of practice, the tall woman hardly feeling the difference, the girl was as light as air.

"U-usually." The 4th division lieutenant agreed, flushing scarlet at the statement before plowing on, hoping Zaraki Taichou finished soon so Yachiru would stop bothering her.

"Do you need to use whips and chains?" Yachiru asked, blinking as Isane froze, turning to stare at the little girl with wide eyes.

"Wha-what makes you say that?" Isane stammered, looking at Yachiru as she giggled cheerfully, already dreading the answer that was already forming on the girl's lips.

"Ken-chan and Backwards-braid always use those things when he comes to see her!" the little girl chirped "Does that mean they're having a special hug?" she cheered and leapt off the stunned woman's shoulder "Yay! They's making babies!"

--

Isane's eyes widened, staring at the girl as she jumped for joy, before sighing and shaking her head, pushing the ludicrous thought out of her head. 'Relax Isane,' she reassured herself, putting a hand to her heart to still it 'it's probably just the restraints to keep Zaraki-Taichou in place until the examination is over, Unohana-Taichou would NEVER act like that.'

"Kumo-chan!" Yachiru called out excitedly, grabbing the older woman's wrist with her surprising strength "I wanna see the baby! Let's go!"

"K-Kusajishi-fukutaicho!" Isane stammered, holding on for dear life as Yachiru ran down the corridor towards Unohana-Taicho's personal examination room "Taichou said no one was to interrupt them until the examination was over!"

"Ken-chan won't mind!" Yachiru assured the distraught lieutennant, her face a mask of glee as she tugged the door open with her free hand "Ken-chan! Where's the baby?"

"I'm so sorry!" Isane offered, trying to drag Yachiru out of the room whilst bowing simultaneously to the occupants "I didn't mean to let her…in…?"

She trailed off at the sight of Zaraki Kenpachi, arms and legs spread and shackled to a bed in nothing but his birthday suit and his trademark reiatsu devouring eye patch and choker. Standing next to him was Isane's normally reserved captain, decked out in what appeared to be a leather bodysuit that revealed more than it hid, a riding crop held in her hands.

"Isane…" Unohana stated in her usual calm tones, a hint of disapproval in her voice as she eyed her lieutennant "I thought I gave explicit instructions for you to not to let anyone in."

Isane could only stammer at the sight before her, too stunned to say anything or even move. She did however, flinch as her captain reached out and stroked her cheek. "It seems you'll have to be punished too…" Unohana sighed, eyes closed and smiling in that angelic way that Isane and the rest of the 4th had come to love, before seizing her lips in a kiss that made the tall lieutenant's eyes widen.

"Yachiru…" Zaraki called out, looking to the hyperactive pinkette as Isane struggled to break free of Unohana's grip, and failing spectacularly "Go play with Kurotsuchi for a while or something, I'll see you back at the barracks."

"'kay Ken-chan!" Yachiru chirped, giving him a wave before dashing past the struggling Isane "Bye backwards-braid! Give Kumo-chan a special hug too!"

"I will," Unohana assured the girl with a smile, releasing the flushing Isane's lips, the lieutenant panting for breath as her captain undid her sash "A very…special hug."

--

Iemura Yasochika, 3rd seat of the 4th division, looked up in confusion as he sat with the other 4th division members at a bar especially reserved for them. He sat in silence for a while, before shrugging and turning back to his drink. He could have sworn he'd heard someone that sounded suspiciously like Kotetsu-fukutaicho scream a second ago. But that was impossible, she was back at the relief station, and it was at least five blocks away.

'Too bad,' he muttered with a grunt 'from the sounds of things whoever that was must be enjoying themselves immensely. Kotetsu-fukutaicho really needs to get laid.'

"You're thinking dirty thoughts again." 8th seat Harunobu Ogido pointed out, dodging his superior's attempts to smite him with his sword for the provocation.

--

And thus, another romp through the back doors of Soul Society draws to a close.

Liked it? Hated it?

How can I tell if you don't review?

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	3. Chapter 3

Sorry folks, this one was sitting on my harddrive forgotten, so I figureed I'd post it now I've found it.

Enjoy!

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Cooling down.

Hitsugaya Toushiro was not amused.

The reason for this could have been any number of things, such as the fact that he'd been awake all night doing paperwork that Aizen had left behind since Momo wasn't in any state to hold anything sharper than a wooden spoon unsupervised, or the fact that all through the night some inconsiderate bastard had been screaming something quite vulgar at the top of their lungs.

It had sounded a little like the 4th-division's lieutenant, but he'd crossed it off as soon as the thought reached his mind. Unohana's 2nd seat never raised her voice beyond what was considered necessary, even in the midst of battle. She was also far too reserved to have been screaming something as ludicrous as 'Fish Sausage' in the middle of the night.

Unlike his OWN fukutaicho, who seemed to have a direct circuit link between her brain and mouth when inebriated; the things Matsumoto would say and do when sufficiently sloshed were completely incomprehensible to the young (for a shinnigami) captain.

As it were, he was currently marching down the hallways of the tenth division, his face a mask of calm despite the annoyance in his emerald eyes. If he noticed that everyone he passed seemed to shiver, their breath hovering before them, then he ignored it.

'One simple thing.' He muttered, marching down the hallway, his fists clenched slightly in irritation 'I ask her to do one simple thing and she disappears for a whole day.'

To be fair, he really should have expected it from his lieutenant; Matsumoto Rangiku was a fun-loving sort that, if given the choice, would be quite content to sleep off the effects of the night before, waking up some time past noon only to go out and get sloshed again, simply because she could.

It wasn't that she wasn't competent; she'd been in the division longer than he had after all, and had seen off at least one captain in her term as lieutenant. During the intermission stage, she'd held down the 10th like a drill sergeant, ensuring that when the new captain was promoted, he wouldn't have anything to gripe about.

It was one of the reasons Toushiro was so eager to accept his position as captain of the 10th, with a 2nd that competent, he needn't have worried about getting bogged down by all the stuffy regulations the older captains seemed used to.

Then he'd actually MET Rangiku…

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"_So this is the Seireitei…" a younger, in age if not appearance, Toushiro noted, his features neutral as he walked along the shaded walkway that supposedly led to his future division "Doesn't look like much."_

"_The rumors do tend to deviate from the truth." His escort, Ukitake Juushiro admitted with a small chuckle. He'd personally requested to introduce the prodigal captain to his new division and was quite the pleasant person to talk to, though Toushiro was fairly certain he'd never met the man in his life, and so couldn't, for the life of him, understand why the man was so eager to meet him._

"_The tenth division is generally the middle man between other divisions," Ukitake explained as best he could "peacekeepers if you will. While they have been known to work alongside the 2__nd__ division punishment forces, they tend to be more inclined to arrest their targets than say…"_

"Beat them to a bloody pulp?" Toushiro offered pertly, eyeing the older man with a raised eyebrow as he chuckled weakly.

"_I…wouldn't phrase it QUITE like that." Ukitake stated, knowing he was going to catch hell from Soifon if she learned of the conversation, looking up in relief as the walls of the tenth division barracks came into view "Ah, here we are!"_

_Toushiro nodded, frowning slightly as he looked over the rather non-descript, yet still articulate, building, before turning to the captain "And you're certain this is the quickest route from the Sou-Taicho's chamber?"_

"_Outside of using Shunpo? Yes." Ukitake assured him, not insulted by the youth's attitude at all. He'd asked similar questions of his superiors in the past, though it was usually along the lines of 'how to get to the 4__th__ division in the shortest amount of time before coughing up a lung'._

"_By the way." Toushiro noted, looking up at the older captain inquisitively, his arms crossed contemplatively "Why are the barracks scattered all over the place? Wouldn't it be easier to set them up in order? Like in a circle or something?"_

"_That WAS the original layout." Ukitake admitted, rubbing the back of his neck nervously "But, well, ever since the new 11__th__ division Captain got into a…disagreement with the 12__th__ Division captain, it was deemed unwise to place the two divisions within shouting distance of one another..."_

_Toushiro frowned but said nothing. Having only recently graduated from the academy, albeit top of his class and after only one year there, he had not yet been brought up to speed on the recently (at least two years ago) elected 11__th__ division captain, but he'd heard enough rumors of the eccentric head of the 12__th__ to know to avoid being in the man's prolonged company for long._

"…_and that's why the barracks are placed as they are." Ukitake explained, coughing gently as he smiled down at the young captain "anything else?"_

"_I heard the Fukutaicho for the 10__th__ has been keeping things together." Toushiro noted, walking along with an evaluating look in his eyes "That said, I've yet to hear his name."_

"_Really? That's odd." Ukitake noted, a little confused if he was honest with himself "Oh well, no harm I suppose, she should be right…here?"_

_Toushiro's eyes widened as confetti and streamers descended before him, several party whistles and rattles chiming off as a banner dropped from the ceiling, the bright, day-glow kanji for 'Welcome to the 10__th__, Taichou!' emblazoned across it._

"_What in the hell?" the newly appointed captain wondered, only to baulk as he was suddenly enveloped in a rather compromising hug, his face pressed between two massive, albeit terrifyingly familiar, flesh cushions._

"_Shirou-chan!" a voice he dimly remembered from Rukongai greeted cheerfully, the use of the hated nickname causing him to gape at her in surprise "I knew you'd make it! Now we can-!"_

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"Baka." Toushiro muttered, though his frown had defrosted somewhat from the trip down memory lane. That was the effect Matsumoto had on the mercurial captain, one minute she could ignite his ire to new levels, the next she could calm him down with only a few words or actions. "If only the former wasn't the more common of the two." He muttered to himself.

"Ara, Taichou!" A familiar voice called out, "Don't you know talking to yourself is the sign of a disturbed mind?"

'Speak of the devil…' Toushiro muttered, gripping the bridge of his nose to ward off a headache "Well pardon me if I have a penchant for INTELLIGENT conversation." He muttered, turning to face his errant lieutenant, only to come face to cleavage with her assets "Dammit Matsumoto!" he snapped, stumbling back, red-faced "What've I told you about doing that?!"

"Doing what?" Matsumoto asked, looking honestly confused "You're the one that keeps bumping into me."

For a second, one GLORIOUS second, Toushiro tempted the thought of flash-freezing the woman, but resisted it with level-headedness, counting to ten backwards, and the knowledge that it would only result in MORE paperwork. "Never mind…" he muttered, placing a hand to his head to ward off a migraine, "What took you so long delivering the reports?"

"That? Oh I finished those hours ago Taichou!" Rangiku replied, smiling as her captain blinked up at her in confusion "Didn't you get the report on your desk?"

Toushiro thought back to the mountain of paperwork still waiting for him on his desk and sweatdropped, his migraine starting to return as he tried to recall anything that had been signed in his lieutenant's scrawl, only to blink as he was pulled into her bosom again, a hand to his forehead.

"Ah! Taichou! You're getting a fever!" the buxom woman exclaimed, promptly gripping the captain's wrist and dragging him down the hall, despite his protests "Not good! You'd better lie down for a while!"

"Wha-! Matsumoto! Let me go!" Toushiro demanded, his face flushing slightly from the proximity of her assets to his face. Contrary to popular belief, he WAS aware of how well endowed his Fukutaicho was, he WAS a man after all, sort of.

It was simply the fact that he'd yet to go through what the Soul Society deemed 'puberty', as a result of his exceptionally high reiatsu, which prolonged longevity, and his not knowing how old he actually was. Physically, he suspected himself of being thirteen, at the very least, though mentally he deemed himself higher than certain OLDER captains…like Kyoraku Shunsui.

Now there was a basket case. He didn't envy the man's fukutaicho one second.

"Here we are!" Rangiku beamed, Hitsugaya stumbling as he bumped into her, the captain looking up to find his lieutenant had dragged him all the way to the onsen "Go get changed Taichou!"

"Matsumoto…" Toushiro began, only to sigh as the woman pranced off, shaking his head in the defeat as he moved towards the men's room.

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Ten minutes later, found the whit-haired captain reclining in the steaming waters of the hot spring, his arms resting on the edge of the bath, a cool cloth on his head as he let the water seep all the tension out of his frame.

'I'll stick around for a while…then head back to the office.' He reasoned, sinking a little deeper into the water with a groan, actually dreading the waiting stacks of paperwork on his desk. He idly wondered if Aizen had snuck in one last illion before running off with his Hollow buddies, but brushed it aside with a sigh.

"Taicho!" Matsumoto's voice called out, the woman no doubt yelling at him from the women's spring on the other side of the wall, judging by how close her voice was "How's the water in there?"

"Fine." The captain replied with a grunt, rubbing the cloth on his head, covering his eyes with the rag and sinking lower into the water as he spoke "Just right, I can feel all the tension washing away."

"That's good!" the woman chirped, even as Toushiro caught the sound of the door to the men's spring slide open behind him with an adible click "Then I can wash your back for you!"

Toushiro started, whipping round in alarm, his eyes bulging out of his head as he got a worm's eye view of a sight that would've made him the envy of every pervert in Soul Society. Well, more envied than normal anyways.

"Ara, is it too hot for you?" Matsumoto asked, looking down in confused concern as her captain's face turned an interesting shade of red "You're not to good with hot things, are you Taichou?"

"M-MATSUMOTO!" Toushiro choked, whipping round, showing his back to the woman, sitting ramrod straight with his hands on his knees, face a brilliant shade of pink "THIS IS THE MEN'S BATH!"

"Oh? Didn't the innkeeper tell you?" Rangiku asked, looking down at the blushing captain in confusion, her bucket of washing utensilson her hip "The women's baths are closed for cleaning, so the men's is temporarily unisex for today."

'I'm going to FREEZE that old bat!' the mortified captain vowed, recalling how the senile old lady had chuckled at him as he walked past 'No, stay calm, just need to assert my authority and-!'

He froze as a pair of familiar mounds pressed against his back, shivering as he felt Matsumoto hold him the shoulders. "Here, let me get your back for you." The busty lieutenant offered, her tone helpful as she rubbed a lathered washcloth over his bare back.

"I…I can do it myself!" Toushiro insisted, though he didn't move an inch to stop her. That would have meant turning to face her after all, and considering their…situation…

Plus, it was getting distinctly uncomfortable south of the waistline.

"You've got really soft skin Taichou." Matsumoto noted, her tone whimsical as she scrubbed the captain's back with what felt like agonizing slowness "So pale too…you need to get out more."

"M-maybe if SOMEONE would quit lazing about and do their share of the paperwork I'd find time to get out more." Toushiro muttered, trying to get a dig in as he glared over his shoulder, only to flinch and look away as Rangiku's assets bounced before his sight, covered in soap and water 'DAMMIT!'

"There, all done." Rangiku chuckled, patting him on the back, earning a relieved sigh from the captain, only for it to change into a shocked squawk as a hand slipped under his towel "Now for the front!"

"MATSUMOTO!" Toushiro snapped, whipping round to repirmand her, having had more than enough, only to freeze as the woman pulled him into her chest, effectively cutting off his protests, his eyes widening at the scent of perfume.

'She's warm...' a treacherous side of his brain noted, the dazed captain looking up through the twin peaks, only to shiver as he caught his lieutennant smiling down at him through the steam.

"You need to relax more…Taichou…" Rangiku insisted, her smile sending shivers down the captains spine as she held him closer, leaning in to whisper in his ear "I spent the whole day setting it up so that we have the springs to ourselves…" he smile turned strangely feline for a moment as Toushiro's eyes grew wide in alarm "so lets see if we cant loosen you up a little…"

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Ukitake Juushiro looked up from attending to his beloved bonsai to stare at the sky, a sense of concern washing over him, as if somehow, somewhere, he was missing out on a defining moment in someone's life.

"That reminds me." The 13th's captain noted, blinking in recollection "I have to send those manga I had Ichigo and Rukia buy sent over to the 10th." He smiled at the date on the calendar, which was encircled with little Hitsugaya Chibis "Ichigo DID say it was really popular with young boys, and Toushiro-kun needs to lighten up more."

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And so Toushiro finally, at least in the eyes of Zaraki, Ukitake and Kyouraku, becomes a man.

Don't like the pairing? well go ahead and flame me. They'll be used to heat the onsen.

Rangiku: Oohh, Taicho...

Toushiro: M-MATSUMOTO! That's-! GACK!

R&R!

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